Before I had my daughter, I was in kind of a stuck place. Life was going along, all fine, nothing really that wrong, but I felt an aimlessness. An is-this-all-there-is feeling. I mean, I go to work, I come home, I make dinner with my partner, maybe I exercise, I probably read. We watch tv. The end.
It felt like I needed a shake-up. A purpose. Something more. Having a child was one answer but that’s not always as immediate as you think it’s going to be. Being part of a bigger family seemed like a path to meaning. Otherwise, what was I doing? Read, cook, exercise – just keep doing those every day forever and that’s all there is?
Fast forward a couple of years and our daughter is here. My time isn’t my own. I can’t seem to do even the most basic things I used to do. I crave personhood and autonomy and the ability to do something – anything – that I choose, for more than 5 minutes at a time.
My partner was trying to help me figure it out. What did I want to do, he asked. We could find time for me to do those I’m-a-person things.
I thought about it. If I had a couple of hours to myself, what would I do? Well, I would probably read. And cook. And exercise. Any of those would feel amazing.
Hmmm. Read-cook-exercise. How was that the answer when that used to be the problem?
Suddenly, I felt like this
But it was the answer. Even if I only had a few minutes, doing any of those things just brought me back to myself.
Look at me! I’m still smart! I’m reading something smart!
Look at me! I’m cooking! I’m going to eat something that feels like a real meal, not just one-handed snacks to keep me going while my other hand is holding my baby.
Look at me! I’m actually exercising! Wow, exercise is amazing!
Even now, years later, when momming is a lot easier (ok, a little easier, but harder in a different way), if I stop and take for 10 minutes for read-cook-exercise, it cleans my brain. It refreshes me. It inspires me. It reminds me that I’m my own person and I’m still headed somewhere, even when most days it feels like I only go around in circles. Happy, reasonably harmless circles most of the time but not circles that move me forward at all.
Read-cook-exercise helps with work too. When I’m in a stuck place on a work project, a quick break can give me back my fresh morning brain — reading an article by someone clever, starting some pizza dough or doing 50 jumping jacks.
What does this all mean? Are those the defining parts of me? What do I do with this new awareness? Tattoo it on my arm or write it on a sticky note so I remember to try it when I’ve lost my spark?
As antidotes go, these ones are pretty easy. I have the power to change myself and my mood? That’s something to remember.
These Are Nice For Us
My best moment today: Finding out there’s a new season of the show Sort Of. Check it out — it’s smart, funny and heartfelt. And Canadian!
Spotted around town: On a sandwich board outside a cafe
Soup of the day: WINEA little inspiration, in case you’re feeling stuck: “What’s important is that you make the leap. Jump high and hard with intention and heart. … It’s up to you to make your life.” - Cheryl Strayed in Tiny Beautiful Things